Merry Christmas
by Pastaaaaaaa
Summary: One Shot, AU / Ludwig's been keeping a rather important secret from Feliciano. / Angsty. Character Death. / NOT A Christmas Fic


So I had the desire to write something sad.  
Initially I was going to have it be Germancest because of my recent fascination with the pairing and how goddamned sad that can be.  
But I decided on GerIta and then spit this out in an hour and a half at five in the morning with no sleep.  
So be wary of strange English and the unhappy ending- character death and all.

Anyway, human names are used. And this takes place in an AU where they are ( obviously ) not countries.

And also, it jumps around as far as timeline goes, I've tried my best to make it clear.  
And also-also! I really hope my chosen writing style doesn't, like, kill the effect I'm going for and you want to kill me because of repetition of names.

Enjoitsu.

* * *

It didn't take long.

There was a short period of time where Ludwig thought he could just avoid the bubbly Italian. A very short period of time. But as fate would have it the two seemed destined to be together.  
He wanted to tell Feliciano, really, but it just never seemed the right time; Feliciano was just so happy that, well, sharing such news seemed cruel.

So he would wait.  
Until the window of opportunity opened.  
And then it would close again and he would have to wait for it to open once again.

And so it went for some years.

…_Present Time, December 1st_…

"Feliciano." Ludwig's strong, commanding tone carried regardless of whether he was yelling, speaking or attempting to whisper ( the later of which was rarely ever successful. )

"Ne ne, Ludwig, I was waiting for you!" Feliciano called back, jumping up from his spot on the fountain and waving as if his life depended on it. He ran forward and threw his arms around the larger man, latching onto him tightly with a bright smile, "Every time I see you I want to tell the whole world how happy I am!"

Ludwig remained silent, instead choosing to hug the brunette back and place a tender kiss on his forehead. "Feliciano, you don't have to do that every time you see me. It's only been a day."

"Ehhh…?" the Italian blinked up at Ludwig with wide, bright eyes, cocking his head to the side, "But how else will I let you know that I love you?" he asked quite seriously, despite the fact that this was a conversation they had almost daily.

"I already know you do. You don't have to tell me so much." Ludwig replied gently, sternly. It wasn't that he didn't like to hear it, he just didn't feel a need for it to be spoken so often.

"Si, Ludwig!" and no matter how many times Feliciano agreed not to, he always did it again. He grabbed the German's hand and clung tightly to his arm as they walked back to Ludwig's house.

…_Four Years Ago_…

"I'm Feliciano! What's your name?" the brunette tilted his head to the side and peered quizzically towards the taller blonde, bright smile plastered across his face. "You seem nice!"

Nice? That was a new one. Nobody ever said he seemed nice. In fact, usually people said he was scary and mean. They tended not to take the time to get to know him.

"Ludwig." he replied flatly, offering a hand to the one who called himself Feliciano. Instead of a handshake though, the other man threw his arms around Ludwig and squeezed him in a tight hug.

"Ve~! Let's be friends, Ludwig!"

"Friends?" Ludwig blinked, and it was another few moments before he came to his senses and pushed the Italian off, "Friends is fine. But there's no need for that." he murmured, looking away with a faint blush.

…_Present Time_…

"Feliciano," Ludwig started, tightening his grip around said man's waist. He perched on the German's lap, leaning back against his chest and smiling brightly even as they watched a movie in mostly silence, "Feliciano." he repeated, trying to pull the other's attention away from the movie for just a moment. "There's something I need to tell you."

"Oh~! Me first!" Feliciano shifted on Ludwig's lap so that he was facing him, sitting with his knees straddling the other man, "I love you!" he grinned and leaned down to place a soft, chaste kiss against his other half's lips, tilting the slightest bit to stare up at the blonde shyly.

"Ah… I love you, too, Feliciano." Ludwig whispered ( or tried to ). He simply stared at the Italian, who stared expectantly back towards him. "Oh. That's what I was going to say." he lied, a small smile turning the corners of his lips.

"I love you sooooooo much, Ludwig!" Feliciano threw his arms around broad shoulders and hugged him close, nuzzling their cheeks together.

Ludwig sighed quietly, staring up at the ceiling, the movie forgotten.

He hadn't been feeling well.

…_Four Years Ago_…

"I know it's only been two months, but I love you Ludwig!"

Ludwig blinked. What? Love? How was that even possible. He certainly hadn't led him on, had he? He'd never even hinted towards having feelings for Feliciano. He wouldn't let himself. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

No. And even if he loved Feliciano back- and he didn't- he would never allow them to happen. Would he?

"Oh."

It was Feliciano's turn to blink. That wasn't the response he was hoping for. But it was okay! Because there was plenty of time for Ludwig to fall in love with him, too!

"Ne ne, it's okay, Ludwig! You don't have to say it back. One day I'll make you love me back. And then we can be together!"

Feliciano's bright smile was contagious, and even if Ludwig didn't _want_ to fall in love, he believed he _could_. Maybe that he _would_. But then what?

Nothing good could come from that.

…_Six Months Later, Christmas_…

"I love you."

"I know, Feliciano."

Still.  
Still Feliciano tried.  
Why wouldn't he stop?  
Why did he keep loving?  
Why did he keep throwing those words at Ludwig as if he mean them?  
As if it would be alright for him to love Feliciano back?

"I really mean it, Ludwig."

"I know, Feliciano."

Feliciano climbed onto Ludwig's lap and sat straddling him as he so often did. He leant down and pressed soft lips to Ludwig's- and even though Ludwig had never once said he loved Feliciano back, still the Italian would give his love. His words. His hugs. His kisses. And even his body.

As long as he loved Ludwig he'd give his everything to him to make him happy. Anything to make him happy.

The blonde pressed back into the kiss, hands sliding down to the small of his partner's back, pulling him close, holding him tightly. He felt the Italian's lips part passively and deepened the kiss, one hand moving even lower, cupping the other's butt as he pulled away, nipping tenderly at Feliciano's lower lip.

"V-ve… Ludwig… Merry Christmas." the brunette whispered breathily, hands gripping the larger man's shoulders tightly. He leant down again for another kiss, "I really really love you…" he murmured against Ludwig's lips, eyes fluttering closed. Ludwig would have been grateful. Sometimes it was difficult to look into those eyes so full of love.

But tonight it was different.

"Feliciano…" he leaned back, hands rising to cup the Italian's cheeks, keeping him from deepening the kiss and holding him there until amber eyes opened curiously.

"I love you, too."

…_Present Time, December 19th…_

"Ve…? Are you alright, Ludwig?" Feliciano's wide, worried eyes peered down at Ludwig, startling him a little.

"I'm fine, Feliciano." he said quietly- too quietly for the brunette's liking.

"L-Ludwig are you sick?" he asked quickly, and then continued before the other had a chance to reply, "I'll make you soup! Stay in bed okay? Bundle up and don't move!" he dashed off quickly to the kitchen the two- by now- shared. It didn't take him long to prepare soup and a cup of warm tea for his companion, but by the time he returned to their bedroom Ludwig had already fallen back asleep.

He hadn't been looking well at all, lately.

…_Two Years Ago_…

"Ludwig?" the pair remained curled up in bed- or rather, Feliciano curled up around Ludwig and refused to let go, despite how the larger man protested there were things to be done around the house, even if it was a Sunday and he had the day off.

"What, Feliciano?"

"I love you. Don't ever forget, okay?" Feliciano giggled, his voice cheery, cheeks pink. "And no matter what we'll always be together, right?"

"…I hope so." Ludwig replied, unable to look Feliciano in the eye. He stared up at the ceiling light, instead, focusing on it until it became painful and he had to close his eyes.

"Ludwig?" the Italian called again, tapping him on the cheek until Ludwig turned his head and looked.

"What now?"

"Do I make you happy?" he asked, eyes wide and worried.

He hesitated. Staring into amber with sky blue.

"Yes, Feliciano. You make me happier than I've ever been."

It was the truth.  
And it broke Ludwig's heart.

…_Present Time, December 20th_…

"Feliciano." that strong voice called out to the Italian asleep by the side of the bed, startling him awake. Why wasn't he in bed, too?

"Oh! Ludwig, you're awake!" his smile instantaneously spread over his lips, brightening his entire face. "Ve? But weren't you sick?"

"No, just a bit tired." the German lied. Smiling a small little smile of his own in return. "I'm better, now."

Another lie.

Feliciano immediately jumped onto the bed, throwing himself over Ludwig and earning himself a loud "oof" from the blonde who immediately wrapped his arms around the smaller man.

"I'm so glad! I don't know what I would do without you, Ludwig. Don't get sick okay? So we can be together forever!"

"I'll try not to…" he paused, letting out a soft sigh. "…Feliciano?"

"Hmm!"

"I love you."

…_One Year Ago, Christmas_…

"Ludwig! Love means that no matter what I'll try to make you happy!" Feliciano announced cheerily, throwing his arms up into the air.

Ludwig immediately grabbed his arms and pulled them down to the Italian's sides, staring at him sternly, "It doesn't mean shouting such things in public." he scolded.

"Ve… But I'm so happy that I want the whole world to know that I'm in love!" the brunette protested, struggling to be free.

And he succeeded.

That was a first.

Fortunately Feliciano didn't think anything of it and just threw his arms into the air again. Ludwig frowned, staring at his own, gloved hands.

"Merry Christmas, world! I'm in love!" the Italian cried, twirling around happily, arms still up in the air.

Ludwig simply watched with a frown before turning and stalking off the other way. A small smile worked its way onto his face but he forced it away quickly when Feliciano finally realised he was walking away and chased after him.

"Ehh! Did I make you unhappy?" he asked, dashing ahead of Ludwig and stopping right in front of him, forcing the German to a halt. "That's the complete opposite of what love is!" he cried, staring up at the other with a rather upset expression.

Instead of chastising Feliciano, though, the blonde leant down and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead. "No, Feliciano. Everything you do makes me happy."

And it did.

…_Present Time, Christmas_…

"Merry Christmas, Ludwig!" Feliciano cried, arms snaking around his other half's waist. "You make me happier than pasta, you know!"

Ludwig laughed lightly, patting the Italian's head gently, "I'm happy. Merry Christmas, Feliciano."

They shared a quick kiss and the Italian pulled away first, giggling almost shyly. But after four years together, Ludwig knew when he was and was not being shy.

Usually he would let it go, instead the German gripped the smaller man's jaw, pulling him back for another, deeper kiss. He pulled away after a moment and trailed little kisses down to Feliciano's neck where he kissed, licked and nipped until he was satisfied with the marks he left.  
Finger's deftly undid the buttons on the Italian's shirt and lips followed each undone button, lining kisses down to the brunette's navel. He grinned when Feliciano let out a soft gasp, body arching into the light kisses, long fingers sliding down his body to cup Ludwig's cheeks, coaxing him back up.

"L-Ludwig…" Feliciano breathed, "I-I want another kiss."

Ludwig smiled, kissing back up his partner's body until lips met again in a passionate kiss, Feliciano's arms moving to circle around the larger man's shoulders and hug him close until one finally had to pull away to breathe.

"Ne ne… It's been four years, Ludwig." the brunette smiled, wrapping his limbs around Ludwig, much to the blonde's dismay.

"It's been longer than that, hasn't it?"

"It's been four years since you first said you love me!" Feliciano clarified.

"Oh."

"Si! And that's why I love Christmas so much!" he announced with a giggle.

"Feliciano." Ludwig interrupted the other's laughter, arms tightening around the smaller man's waist as if he would run away.

"What's wrong?" Feliciano asked, pulling back far enough to look into Ludwig's eyes. "Did I do something bad?"

"No, you didn't do anything bad… But…" he trailed off.

"Ehhh? But what, Ludwig? You're scaring me!" he cried, brow furrowing. Ludwig was only this quiet when he was sick! And he was sick so often, lately…

It was Christmas. The worst day of the year to receive news like this…

But what if he didn't have the chance again?

"Feliciano, I'm dying."

…_Six Months Ago_…

"You still haven't told him."

"Nein."

"What are you going to do? The doctor said you only have another four months or so."

"I don't know." Ludwig murmured, head dropping onto his hands.

"You know I don't usually get into your business, Bruderlein, but you can't keep him in the dark like this."

"I'll tell him."

"You'd better." Gilbert frowned, prodding his little brother's forehead with an index finger, crimson eyes burning angrily. "You don't know how lucky you are."

"I know how lucky I am. I should have told him a long time ago."

"You should have told him the day you met him!"

"Yeah. 'Nice to meet you, Feliciano. I'm Ludwig and I'm going to die so don't fall in love with me, okay?' sounds like a great conversation starter." Ludwig snapped.

Gilbert's eyes went wide. He frowned and slung his arms around Ludwig's shoulders, hugging him tightly.

"Es tut mir leid, Bruder. I wasn't thinking." he said quietly, squeezing the blonde close.

"I know."

…_Four Months Later_…

"Ludwig's been weird, lately."

"That bastard's always weird."

"Ehh! No, fratello! I mean really weird!" Feliciano insisted, hands waving in the air to emphasize his point.

"He's always really weird." Lovino mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Fratello! I mean it! He's been very quiet and distant…"

Lovino's head jerked up and he cracked a grin, "Maybe he's got another man on the side!" he teased- he always teased.

And Feliciano always ignored it. But this time it was different.

"V-ve…! Do you think so, fratello? What if he does! What if he doesn't love me anymore!" Feliciano cried, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.

The elder Italian's green eyes went wide and he looked away suddenly, crossing his arms over his chest. "I-I didn't mean… I mean… Tch… Don't cry, stupid!"

"B-but you said…"

"I know what I said, idiot, but there's nothing to cry about."

"Th-then… Then you mean he doesn't have another man and he does still love me?" the younger Italian tried, tilting his head to the side.

"Sure, whatever." Lovino mumbled, slouching down onto the couch.

…_Present Time_…

"Six months ago the doctor said I had only four months." Ludwig said quietly, squeezing Feliciano close, even as the Italian pounded his fists weakly against his chest.

His voice came out strained, eyes squeezed shut tightly to hold back tears- though it didn't help, "I-It's not funny, Ludwig! D-don't joke about these things!" Feliciano cried.

The blonde simply held him close, remaining silent.

"How… How could y-you do this?" Feliciano sobbed, finally going limp in Ludwig's arms, tears flowing endlessly now. "W-why didn't you t-tell me…" he choked out, pressing his face against the other's chest.

"I'm so sorry, Feliciano." he absently stroked the Italian's hair, speaking to him quietly, as if he were an upset child. "I wanted for you to be happy…"

"And you thought… You thought not telling me w-would be b-better…?"

"I didn't…" Ludwig trailed off, unsure of just what to say.  
What did he think? Did he think it would be better this way?

No.

His reasoning was selfish and he knew it.

"You wouldn't love me anymore."

…_One Year Later, Christmas_…

"Ne ne, Ludwig?" Feliciano's voice was quiet, timid.

There was no answer. Of course there was no answer.

"I hope you can hear me…"

His voice cracked, tears pooling in his eyes.

"Merry Christmas. Your brother is here with me… Mine, too…"

He stared down at his hands, fingers laced together in too-big gloves that once belonged to Ludwig, cradling a bouquet.

"I… I'm glad you told me when you did. It'll always be our day. The good and the bad…" he choked back a sob, reaching up with one gloved hand to wipe away a single, stray tear.

"I'm happy I got to tell you how much I love you."

He sniffled, closing his eyes tightly and not bothering to wipe away the next tears that fell.

"Nothing can ever take that away, Ludwig."

He knelt down on the soft earth, placing the bouquet he brought at the foot of the headstone.

"V-ve… I-I'll try to do l-like you want me to. I'll t-try to move on and… And be happy, again. But…"

His body shook with the intensity of his sobs, and he didn't react in the slightest bit when Lovino rushed forward to steady him.  
Or when Gilbert came forward to help Lovino remove the collapsed Italian from the grave.

"…I'll never stop loving you, Ludwig."

* * *

A/N:: I'm sorry if you, like, thought it was gonna be some nice Christmasy fic. IT'S NOT.

November/December are the worst months of the year for me as far as mental state goes and I wanted to, uh, "share" what ridiculous emodramaticness goes on in my head during the holidays.

Maybe I just like being depressing. I actually sort of cried at the end there.


End file.
